In a surprising and confident declaration, Hollywood actor Mark Wahlberg has reportedly rejected a staggering $2 billion offer from Disney to feature in its newest blockbuster, citing a firm opposition to what he describes as the company’s increasing “wokeness.”

“I’m done. No way I’ll collaborate with them again. I don’t need their wokeness in my life,” Wahlberg supposedly expressed to insiders during a tense phone conversation, punctuating his point by slamming down his protein shake. This unexpected refusal has reverberated throughout the film industry, inciting discussions from fitness centers to executive offices regarding whether Wahlberg’s stance is a principled stand or a reflection of Hollywood’s ongoing cultural friction.

The anticipated Disney project, reportedly a hybrid of The Avengers and Frozen, was designed to showcase Wahlberg in the lead role of a self-doubting snowplow operator who discovers his hidden superhuman abilities while fighting a brigade of eco-aware yet misunderstood polar bears. Insiders claimed the film aimed to advance Disney’s cinematic narrative, integrated with themes of climate change, corporate accountability, and a poignant subplot centered around communities of inclusive snowmen.

With Wahlberg at the forefront, the film seemed set to attract diverse audiences. Throughout his career, Wahlberg’s distinctive blend of strength, toughness, and intermittent bursts of religious zeal has captured fans’ hearts for years. However, this unexpected twist has now put the film’s future in jeopardy.

So, what was it about the “wokeness” that Wahlberg found intolerable?

“To start, they wanted me to don a rainbow-colored snowplow outfit. I was like, ‘Not a chance. My snowplow is American-made and decorated in red, white, and blue.’ They also suggested swapping my sidekick—a golden retriever named Patriot—with a gender-fluid, pan𝑠e𝑥ual penguin,” Wahlberg supposedly relayed to a close friend during a round of golf at a secretive location. “Seriously, there’s a limit to what I can handle.”

Wahlberg’s opposition to the alleged script modifications continued. Reports indicated that the studio desired for his character to partake in a sensitivity workshop led by Olaf from Frozen, who had recently undergone a transformation into a social justice advocate and eco-warrior.

“That’s where I drew the line,” Wahlberg disclosed to a trainer at a local gym. “I’m all for protecting the planet, but I’m not taking guidance from a talking snowman who can’t even keep his head on straight.”

Wahlberg’s choice to forfeit a $2 billion windfall has sparked intense debate over the widening gap between traditional action heroes and the film industry’s movement towards inclusivity. While Wahlberg has never avoided controversy—whether concerning his devout Catholicism or his early 2000s music career—this latest action has redefined him as a figurehead for the growing anti-woke sentiment.

Critics of Disney’s recent trajectory assert that the company has strayed significantly from its foundational storytelling. They lament the transition from straightforward tales of mermaids and space cowboys to narratives laden with themes of social justice, identity politics, and sustainability. Some see Disney’s evolution as a necessary adaptation to contemporary society, while others, including Wahlberg, perceive it as “wokeness” gone too far.

“Mark represents the average American filmgoer’s perspective,” states Brock Steelman, leader of the newly-established “Actors Against Wokeness” group, featuring 37 disgruntled action stars and formerly popular celebrities. “He’s making it clear that this is enough. We want films where the villains are defeated, the hero enjoys a cold drink, and the dog survives.”

Meanwhile, Disney has remained reticent about the situation. They have not issued any public statements regarding Wahlberg’s remarks, but industry insiders indicate that they are in a rush to find a suitable replacement. Whispers suggest that Disney is now considering Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for the lead, banking on his capability to navigate complex cultural issues while lifting massive vehicles with ease.

With Disney now out of the equation, many are pondering what lies ahead for Mark Wahlberg. Some speculate that the actor might be on the verge of founding his own production company, aiming to produce action-oriented films devoid of any “woke” themes. According to unverified reports, Wahlberg has allegedly presented a film idea to potential investors tentatively called Patriot Plow: The Frozen Frontier, in which he portrays an ex-Marine turned snowplow operator who heroically rescues Christmas from a villainous polar vortex.

Others believe Wahlberg could embark on a second career as a motivational speaker, warning against the perils of wokeness in the film industry. “You can’t navigate life with a rainbow strapped to your back,” he cryptically mentioned to a reporter outside his Wahlburgers restaurant earlier this week, leaving both fans curious and worried.

As expected, social media has erupted in response to Wahlberg’s announcement. Supporters and detractors alike have taken to Twitter (or X, as it is now known) to share their thoughts.

“Mark Wahlberg just told Disney to take a hike?!? What a LEGEND!” one user tweeted, attaching a gif of Wahlberg punching a bag of frozen peas from The Fighter. “Finally, someone’s taking a stand against that corporate nonsense.”

Conversely, Disney proponents were quick to express their dissatisfaction. “Good riddance. He couldn’t act his way out of a snowstorm anyway,” another commenter shot back, alongside an image of Elsa from Frozen offering an icy glare.

Amid the commotion, one thing is clear: Mark Wahlberg’s daring decline of Disney’s offer has ignited a broader conversation that transcends a single film role. As Hollywood grapples with its identity amidst a rapidly changing cultural backdrop, Wahlberg’s decision symbolizes a significant conflict over the future direction of entertainment.

Predictably, the internet hasn’t let this news slide without some meme-making. Almost immediately after the story broke, a viral graphic emerged showing Wahlberg atop a snowplow with the caption, “Woke? Nope.” Another popular meme reimagines Wahlberg’s character from Ted as the CEO of a fictional anti-woke streaming platform named “Patriot+,” where action heroes thwart evildoers without undergoing sensitivity training.

In conclusion, whether Wahlberg’s refusal to partner with Disney is viewed as a courageous statement against wokeness or simply another instance of a celebrity throwing a tantrum, one fact remains: he’ll be at the center of controversy for the foreseeable future.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, it’s not true