In a surprising turn of events that has reverberated throughout the fast-food sector, Dunkin’ Donuts CEO Dave Hoffmann has disclosed that the company has endured a shocking $1 billion loss due to what he termed their misguided venture into “woke” politics. This admission was made during an urgent press conference held outside the company’s Canton, Massachusetts headquarters, leaving investors, customers, and employees in a state of disbelief.

“We’re sorry. We won’t do that again,” Hoffmann expressed, his tone weighed down with regret as he took a sip from what could only be considered a non-political cup of coffee.

For those who assumed the past year would allow them to enjoy their lattes without a hint of the culture wars infiltrating the world of donuts, Hoffmann confirmed the opposite. He labeled the company’s decision to embrace “woke ideology” as “the biggest corporate mistake since New Coke.” Now, akin to the ill-fated soda fiasco, Dunkin’ is hustling to reverse this misstep before its glazed empire crumbles.

The debacle began innocuously enough—an ad campaign featuring a diverse group, a rainbow donut, and a company-wide commitment to “inclusivity, equity, and love.” It sounded like a promising recipe for success in 2023, right? Wrong. The unexpected backlash from loyal customers took Dunkin’ by surprise.

“We thought we were just adding a little extra sweetness to the mix,” Hoffmann elaborated with a nostalgic smile, suggesting that Dunkin’ might never be able to sugarcoat this situation adequately. “We never imagined that supporting equal rights and diversity would lead to people boycotting their morning coffee. But… here we are.”

The campaign, complete with phrases like “Love is sweet, and so are we,” and a donut decorated in rainbow hues, seemed harmless to many—just another brand jumping on the social justice train. But as the campaign gained traction, so did the hashtags. #GoWokeGoBroke trended across social media shortly after, with numerous customers expressing outrage not at the message of love, but at the perceived political agenda of their once-neutral coffee haven.

Dunkin’ failed to recognize that in today’s culture wars, nothing is off-limits—especially not your morning coffee. Within just days of rolling out the campaign, a wave of conservative influencers and MAGA supporters called for a boycott, accusing Dunkin’ of alienating its core donut-loving audience.

“They betrayed us,” voiced MAGA influencer Chad Tanner in a viral video while dramatically pouring out a Dunkin’ iced coffee, only to switch to what appeared to be a competitor’s product. “First, they tell us donuts are for everyone—what’s next? Kale-filled jelly donuts? No thanks.”

Tanner was not alone in his sentiments. Across the country, Dunkin’ locations experienced protests from patrons wielding signs that read “Make Donuts Great Again” and chanting, “No politics with my pastries!” One particularly disgruntled customer reportedly sent a dozen “non-woke” donuts to corporate HQ, including a note that read, “This is what the people want—patriotism, not politics!”

The consequences for Dunkin’ were immediate and severe: sales plummeted. Outlets in critical markets saw a noticeable drop in foot traffic. As Hoffmann grimly stated during the press conference, the decision to “go woke” ultimately cost the company an astounding $1 billion.

“Let me be clear: We didn’t expect this,” Hoffmann acknowledged, casting a worried glance at a Dunkin’ logo that now felt like a target. “We thought we were doing the right thing—standing up for values that in theory, everyone should support. But clearly, we misread the room. And for that, we’re deeply sorry.”

In an effort to regain trust (and sales), Hoffmann announced that Dunkin’ would return to its foundational values. “No more woke politics. Just good coffee, good donuts, and perhaps—just perhaps—one of those glazed croissants that everyone seems to love.”

To emphasize this commitment, Dunkin’ has already begun erasing any evidence of the beleaguered campaign from its stores. The rainbow donut has quietly vanished from menus, and the company’s social media accounts have been cleansed of posts that could be considered “woke.” Hoffmann hinted at a new, decidedly apolitical mascot: a donut named “Dunkie” who “loves everyone equally, but doesn’t feel the need to announce it.”

The apologies are far from over. Dunkin’ has promised to return to a simpler time—when the biggest debate surrounding the brand involved whether their coffee was indeed superior to Starbucks.

“We’re just here to sell donuts,” Hoffmann reiterated several times during his speech, striving to convince not just the audience, but himself. “That’s all we ever wanted to do. We’re not here to get involved in politics or dictate what you should believe. We just want to ensure your coffee is hot, your donuts are fresh, and your mornings are as delightful as a Boston Kreme.”

However, customers remain skeptical. Some long-time enthusiasts have cautiously returned, while others stand firmly by their decision to boycott.

“I’m willing to give them another chance,” stated one former Dunkin’ loyalist. “But if I see even a hint of social justice in my coffee cup again, I swear—I’m switching to Krispy Kreme. They know how to keep politics out of the glaze.”

Only time will reveal whether Dunkin’ can recover from this billion-dollar misstep. Despite the turbulence, Hoffmann remains hopeful, even while the company scrambles to reassure its base that it has learned its lesson.

“We got ahead of ourselves. We thought we could be the Starbucks of the working class. But we’re not Starbucks. We’re Dunkin’. And from now on, that’s what we’re going to focus on—being simple, no-frills, no-politics Dunkin’.”

As Hoffmann concluded the press conference, he took one final sip of his coffee—likely pondering whether it was too late to revert to being just a local spot for a donut on the way to work, without any political commentary.

Whether the American public will embrace the apology and move forward remains uncertain. But one thing is clear: Dunkin’ won’t be making that mistake again.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, it’s not true