In a surprising twist that may reverberate throughout the political landscape, a collective of retired educators from Howard University has stepped forward to disclose what can only be categorized as an astonishing chapter in the institution’s history: Vice President Kamala Harris, as they assert, was their “worst student ever.”

Indeed, you read it correctly. Kamala Harris, currently standing just a heartbeat away from the presidency and poised for a potential leadership role on the global stage, is being dubbed not merely a poor student but the worst in Howard University’s history. And these educators are not pulling any punches.

“It was akin to teaching a cat to play chess,” remarked Professor Emeritus Gerald Barnes, who continues to shake his head in disbelief when recalling Harris’s tenure in his Introduction to Political Science course. “Kamala had a peculiar way of responding to questions. If I inquired about the Constitution, she would flash that famous smile and assert, ‘The Constitution is a living document… full of potential, just like all of us.’ I mean, what does that even mean?”

According to Barnes, Harris was infamous for her knack for speaking at great lengths without delivering substance. “I’d pose a basic question regarding the three branches of government, and somehow, by the end of her response, we’d be discussing jazz music and the significance of self-expression. I still can’t figure out how she managed that.”

Professor Meredith Johnston, who instructed Harris in her Constitutional Law course, concurred. “Kamala was the master of responding to a question with another question. I’d ask her to define judicial review, and she’d respond, ‘But professor, shouldn’t we first contemplate: what is justice?’ It was infuriating. And when I’d press her for a direct answer, she’d just chuckle that signature laugh and say, ‘Come on, professor, lighten up!’”

One of the most perplexing aspects of Harris’s academic endeavors, as noted by her former professors, was her uncanny ability to evade genuine engagement with the subject matter. “I once tasked her with writing a paper on the separation of powers,” recounted Professor Franklin Davis, now retired yet still perplexed by the experience. “She handed in a 12-page essay arguing that power itself is an illusion, citing Gandhi, Bob Dylan, and, bewilderingly, Kermit the Frog. I still struggle to grasp the takeaway from that.”

Davis recalls how he attempted to offer Harris an opportunity to clarify her point of view. “I invited her to my office to discuss the paper, and instead of elaborating on her thesis, she spent 45 minutes extolling her admiration for influential women in history—before pivoting to ask about ‘the role of women in the creation of the Constitution.’ I appreciated her enthusiasm, but she lacked focus!”

Perhaps the most legendary anecdote stems from Harris’s time in her debate class, where she was expected to argue for or against a proposed bill. Professor Judith Walters, who led the course for three decades, recalls vividly the incident during Kamala’s turn to speak.

“Kamala stood up, beamed confidently, and then… said nothing. She just smiled, holding the gaze of the entire class, waiting for a response. Eventually, she exclaimed, ‘What is debate, really?’ And that was the crux of her argument.”

Walters shared that Harris’s debate skills—or lack thereof—became a long-running joke. “We dubbed that maneuver ‘The Kamala.’ Whenever a student was unprepared, they’d just stand there and smile, hoping their charm would carry them through. It worked occasionally, but no one ever pulled it off quite like Kamala.”

Another academic, Dr. Leonard Clark, who taught the Philosophy of Law, recounted how Harris often relied on her hallmark laughter to navigate challenging academic scenarios. “Whenever Kamala found herself cornered in class, she’d laugh. A hearty, infectious laugh. It was her secret weapon. I’d prompt her to explain Hobbes’s views on the social contract, and she’d chuckle, make some vague comment about the ‘human condition,’ and somehow steer the conversation toward yoga. It was perplexing.”

Clark admitted that over time, faculty members simply resigned themselves to the phenomenon. “It became a staple in the faculty lounge. ‘Oh, Kamala didn’t submit her paper? Just wait for the laugh.’ And sure enough, she’d stroll in, laugh her way through an excuse, and somehow leave with an extension.”

How, you might ask, did Harris manage to graduate? The professors have an explanation for that as well: charm. “Kamala has always had an innate likability,” Professor Barnes confessed. “Even while sidestepping questions and brushing off deadlines, it was impossible not to like her. She was approachable, personable, and always seemed genuinely delighted to be present—even if she was entirely lost.”

Johnston echoed this sentiment. “Kamala had this uncanny ability to make you feel like you were the most significant person in the room, even if she wasn’t actually listening to a word you said. I don’t know how she achieved that, but she had an undeniable aura. You just wanted her to succeed, even when she was clearly not fully engaging.”

Ultimately, it seems Harris’s charm propelled her further than most scholars ever aspire to reach. “I’m still not quite sure how she passed my class,” Johnston admitted, chuckling. “But look at her—one step away from the presidency. So, perhaps she had a plan after all.”

When asked to respond to her professors’ assertions, Harris reportedly laughed—a deep, familiar laugh that anyone who has witnessed her in debates recognizes. “Well, I may not have been the most diligent student, but I sure had a good time, right?” she said with a grin. “After all, life is about more than just grades; it’s about building connections, isn’t it? And I believe I excelled at that.”

Harris went on to joke that her educators had consistently underestimated her. “You know, they claimed I evaded straight answers, but here I am. Perhaps all that dodging and weaving was just rehearsal for my political career. Who knew?”

And there we have it—Kamala Harris, the least lauded student in Howard University’s history, yet somehow one of its most accomplished.

While Harris’s professors may still be scratching their heads over how their least impressive student ascended to the White House, there’s a takeaway for all: Sometimes, in life, it’s not just about having the right answers. It’s about presenting as if you do—and smiling assuredly all the while.

Kamala Harris may not have been the most stellar student Howard University ever had, but she certainly mastered the art of converting a mediocre education into an illustrious career.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, it’s not true